Poetry - May 2019

Here's one long poem to cover May 2019, a marked contrast from previous months and something different. You'll understand more when you read it:

Finding Myself

Many years ago
I had a real life changing moment
It made me realise something
That I wasn't myself at that time
I needed to rediscover me
The real me I know I am
And the me that I could be
It was going to be a long time
Before I knew I could be myself again
But it was something I had to do
I kept things inside myself
And at work it was all kept well hidden
But outside of all that time
All I wanted to do was to be able
To work out who I really was
And what I wanted to be in life
It was a case of turning around
What seemed a low point in my life
To realising that maybe, just maybe
I wasn't the problem here
And that it was all in my own head
Somehow I was beating myself up
And not allowing me space to breathe
So the first thing I decided to do
Was to get away from everyone for a while
A few days of being alone
And yet being in a city and not being alone
I felt somewhat liberated
And the freedom I had to do as I please
I sat on the beach east of that city
And felt the need to let it go and cry
I missed certain people so much
And I hadn't been allowed to let it go
Now I felt that in my time I was able to
Needing to move onwards, and upwards
It did me the world of good inside
It made me think for the first time
In a very long time overall
That I knew that I wasn't so bad
I was a good person waiting to get back out
And I decided I needed time to be me
To have that chance to do things my way
And to tick off some boxes I wanted to do
So my weekends were mine, mine alone
I went to a retro gig in London
And decided to get up on that stage
Getting people to sing along with one song
And feeling not embarrassed but engaged
The next day I met some old friends
And we decided every few months
That we'd get together for a weekend
Talk about old games, play them
And have beers and lots of catching up
We still do that now twelve years later
And it's become an important part of me
Words alone cannot describe that happy me
When the four friends have such a great time
I also headed off to Cornwall on my own
And had a week of discovering what I wanted
Treating myself to a helicopter to Scilly too
Giving myself so much enjoyment for a change
All my memories were vivid and good
It made me feel even more at one with myself
I made new friends along the way too
That also was a boost to my well being
It also showed me I could be myself again
I felt alive, happy and contented too
One day, I said to myself
I will be able to date, and to love again
But I couldn't do that without loving myself
I had to think that I was good inside
And needed to get there first of all
I was finding myself in so many ways
I ended up doing a three date gig tour
Selling the merchandise for an artist I liked
A whole week of different cities
One I still look back on with fondness
But one which also showed I could be me
And that people would genuinely talk to me
I felt happier than I had for a long time
I knew I was on the right road
And that Christmas I felt different
Gone were my feelings of abjectness
But instead embracing the family life
Looking forwards and not backwards
It was another moment I felt alive
I knew then that this was back to me
My good friends had already told me
It was so good to see the real me back
I realised what they had missed
And it was good to get that feeling back
One day a few months later
My life changed massively again
But this time, it was even better
A meeting with a beautiful woman
Whom I still love with all my heart
Finding myself was the right thing to do
Because I've been myself with her
And we're still together and happy too
It took me time, it took me strength
But finding myself was what I needed
I needed to do that for me
And the beneficiary had to be me too
Resulting in not only my own happiness
But of those all around me
I certainly know that I feel so much inside
That it really makes me recognise
How much of a time my recovery period was
Giving back to me my heart and soul
And one I will vow, never to lose.